Movie critics, entertainment magazine editors, gossip columnists, they're all of the same mindset generated by a city that forgets it's function is nothing more substantial then entertainment and tries to make of itself an elite risen above all normal people. yet in the end they are all pretentious wannabees trying to lord it over all others.

This is what it means to be "Hollywood", that superior attitude that critics strive for, that need to alwys be a part of the IN crowd, have a memory that doesn't extend past last month, and an opinion dictated by the box office returns. Well, to make it easier on spotting such Hollywood types, or if you wish an easy formula for trying to become Hollywood yourself, I have come up with the following list of requirements. Fulfill them all and you too can join that nose-in-the-air crowd known as the Hollywood Elite... or at least act like them, which in the end amounts to the same thing.

1. Hate anything popular, no matter how good it may actually be. It's especially impossible for any Sci-Fi, fantasy, or action picture to be good no mattr what normal people say.
2. Love any obscure film, especially if it pretends to be "artsey" and especially if it's a foreign film, no matter how bad it actually is.
3. Be more concerned with how "IN" something is than if it looks good, works well, or can be replaced by a less expensive model elsewhere.
4. Quote obscure references; this makes you seem more intelligent then you actually are.
5. By definition, any movie based on a written work must be tagged as "bad" because no film can possaibly be as litterary as the book. Movies that are pure adptations of Shakespere are automatically the only good flicks ever made no matter how bad the actors involved might have played them; impure adptations of such are automatically trash, no matter how good or imaginative they might be.
6. No living actor popular with the masses can be good; all are bad and alwys compared very unfavorably to some other dead actor, even if said dead actor was said to be bad himself by the very same critics.
7. As a reviewer or critic, you must rise above all those commoners trying to sell movie scripts like peasants so that you can maintain the aloof vision needed as a proper reviewr... namely because that script of your own sticking in your back pocket got passed up by every studio in town.
8. Your opinion on a movie shall be guided by the box office totals only. If you liked a movie when first you saw it only to discover that it tanked at the box office then you must immediately retract your positive review in favor of a negative one. Your own personal opinion doesn't matter in such cases.
9. If while decrying Fantasy movies as being populous swill and not up to Shakesperian classics, someone points out that A Midsummer Nights Dream is basically a Fantasy in every classic sense, then quickly sniff and change the subject, muttering some Shakesperian quote that doesn't really have anything to do with anything.